Before she finally storms out, she tells him repeatedly, “Ka, listen to your heart and not your head! I know you have a super genius head, but it means nothing to me. I want you to tell me honestly what your heart really feels. What your heart honestly decides. Whatever you want to say to me, filter through your heart. What does your heart really say to me? Stop lying to me that you are happy. I can see deep sadness ingrained in your eyes. “
“Happiness means the prospect of future misery and hopelessness. ” He hears his heart say to him. What his heart means is that her kind of happiness would bring sorrow and disaster to him. He is not programed to handle what she wants him to become to her.
She entices him from the very beginning. She is not his first woman. There are always women who want to love him in different space and time. But he has never left his heart and soul with them. He always locks his heart securely in purity, stays an indifferent and respectful distance and moves on. But she is different. When he is assigned to this corner of the wind he moves into this house and she moves in a day later. There is another woman housemate but An is the one who is attracted to him. He tells her he is a writer. And she says she likes writers. “How long will you be here?” She asks. He says he doesn’t know. He then hints that this could be his last assignment.
He is young and boyish looking, sort of ageless. She says he has good features, but looks intense and gives others a heavy feeling. Yet when he smiles he lights up the space as if there is a sudden burst of brilliant light coming from a million stars. His smile is spectacular and infectious. She is dazzled by his smile. But he hardly smiles. He even avoids looking at her in the eyes. She says he is rude and disrespectful. How can he tell her that the eyes are windows to the soul? He doesn’t want to see hers.
She knows he is using only his head to talk and interact with her. One day she draws an invisible line across his neck and says annoyingly, “You only use this upper part above your neck. You shut off all the rest below. Why? Why are you so scared of using the rest of your body?” She stares at him defiantly, issuing a challenge.
He knows what she means. She means she wants his soul and his body. And he cannot give her.
“Are you A or B?” One day she corners him and insists that he answers. “Neither.” He cannot lie. And she freaks out. He cannot explain to her that she should not think of him in human term. That he is from another realm and not her kind. His body is human but that is all. His heart, thoughts, abilities, emotions and feelings are not. Even his concept of love and the way it should be expressed are not what she thinks it should be.
We live in the essence of things and not the things themselves. He deliberates in his heart. We do not speak things unless we want them to manifest in the physical realm. We don’t depend on the physical to know if anything is real because the essence in our hearts is real enough. Our bliss is from the inside and not outside. It means we are not vulnerable to the external elements. It also means we are invincible. A silent lecture forms in his heart when she rants. Her words are like pearly rain drops that glide off the surface of waxed leaves although he enjoys watching the passion and love with which she expresses in such honesty for a man she doesn’t even know.
“Nothing makes you happy in life except love… Neither the books you write or cites you see… I am very lonely… If I say that I want to be here in this city close to you until the end of my life would you believe me?”
―Orhan Pamuk, Snow
Yet right now he has this strange quote in his heart. If I say that I want to be here in this city close to you until the end of my life would you come back? He asks in silence. (To be continued)