for a girl named Peace:“How much can we ever know about the love and pain in another heart?"

Ka’s snow trail

“It’s amazing how you can speak right to my heart, without saying a word…” Ka sleeps for awhile after his night work. He wakes at the sound a song in his heart and three gentle knocks on his door. He knows it is An. She would knock and then go back to the dinning table where she has prepared a mug of coffee and a croissant for him. She sits across the table, leans her upper body over, one hand touching her hair, with open up face, smiling, her hauntingly beautiful super-large eyes looking intensely into his eyes and says, “Do you feel connected to me?” She wants a serious discourse at breakfast, “will you acknowledge and take care of my needs? Am I safe with you?”

He has from the beginning done a research (on the scanty information he managed to get and also based on observations and listening to her conversations) on her without her knowing. She has the personality type called, INFJ (introverted, intuitive, feeler, and judger). The above questions are her way in asking, “Do you love me?” She knows he doesn’t want to say the three words. So she asks differently. He answers, “I have educated myself on how you operate so that I can be sensitive to your needs and respond appropriately and effectively. I will protect you.” (He speaks his own love language.)

She says, “I know from the beginning you are different, very smart, in fact, super-intelligent. You value your own alone quality time as top priority. When you give me your quality time I know I mean something to you.” She is uncannily right. She can speak right to his heart without saying a word if she wants to. He actually prefers to hear her silent voice because it is clear and pure and honest and connects direct to his heart.

She knows he is an INTJ personality type. They both share the introvert, intuitive and judgement ways of looking at and treating life. But they differ on a crucial difference: he uses his mind (think) an she uses her heart (feel) to decide important matters such as relationship and the communication of love language. From the time they first met they knew the chemistry that set them apart from the rest. He sees signs of her interest in him. She lingers. She finds ways to be around when he is around. She bakes croissants for him and cleans his room. She sits right next to him even when he sits at the short end of the table, just wanting to be in close proximity to him.

“I think about you a lot. I can lie awake for hours just thinking of what you have said to me and what it could mean.” She sees signs of his interest in her. “We have not yet known each other then and you have given me a highly sensitive and creative gift specifically customized for me on my birthday, the photos of me and my dog you found on the internet data base, and a poem of Rudyard Kipling on “the power of a dog”. He knows it stunned her and opened her heart to him.

“But why did you do that even then, without knowing me at all?” She asks. He cannot tell her he can read her heart. From their first encounter, he has read the depth of pain in her heart encrusted in hardness by layers of continuing betrayal by a closed one. And her eyes, those sad eyes staring at him within the first ten minutes of their encounter, crying out in silence, “Help me!” His heart heard and understood her heart language instantly and clearly but he couldn’t tell her how much his heart can feel the stabbing pain. He becomes vulnerable in this connection.

She is right when she keeps asking him to use his heart and not his mind. “The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of… We know the truth not only by the reason, but by the heart.” – Blaise Pascal

“Do you feel connected to me?” She asks again. His heart says, “Yes, I do.” But he remains silent. It is a tool that he uses for assignments and not for personal gain. He has broken the rule by connecting his heart with hers and feels for her deeply. He has fallen hard. “I will protect you. I will do everything I can to protect you.” He continues as if casually, “You know, after my assignment here -finish writing this book, by May I will leave here and travel to the distant sunny coast. If you are free by then, will you care to join me?” He has included her in his future plan! Another risk-taking love sign (breaking the rule)! She looks at him unbelievingly and shakes her head slightly, “I don’t know. I have already made other arrangement including a very important appointment in a far away land.” She seems distancing. He tries once more, “Anyway, I will work out a schedule and maybe you want to take a look just in case there are changes.”

She says, “Ok, but no promise.” Then she says nonchalantly, “I am leaving for good in May. I will not come back. My assignment is over and there is no new assignment so I must leave this country.” Is this a test for him? “Is this guy for real?” (Her heart says.)

“I see,” he replies calmly, “I have another year here before I can leave and not return. I will take a three months’ break in May-July and return to this house in August. ” He is telling her classified information.

“Well, it’s only January. May is a long way off. To be honest, I am tired of talking meaningless stuff and I have to work now. After all, I have set aside so much time talking to you when I should be doing something urgent. I have deadline to meet, you know. Good day.” She leaves. He sits until he hears her car engine starts to run. But it is turned off instantly. He walks to the kitchen/garage door and it opens and she is there. She says, “Sorry I forgot just now. I want to say that I really appreciate you coming for me like the super-hero in Marvel’s comics. Thank you. I wish you were one.” Then she leaves.

“How much can we ever know about the love and pain in another heart?” He speaks to his heart silently. His heart does not answer to such a trivial question. He sighs. When he looks out of the kitchen window he sees a trail left by something on the snow. What or who could that be? He switches to his alert mode. (To be continued)

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